Getting control.

An infant changes things, makes experiences richer, more complicated, and more beautiful. Leaving the house requires more preparation and alot more baggage. Entire days are planned around naptimes, mealtimes, and happy times. A wondrous, toothless smile is what wakes me up now, not coffee. Exposing our child to the world, to learning, and to nature drives us to be better, stronger, more knowledgeable than ever before.

But in my case, as in many others, an infant makes other changes too, negative ones, hurtful, painful ones. A year (and more) has come and gone since I hauled my tired, sweaty body across the finish line of my first half-marathon. In that moment, I remember feeling so confident and proud that I could in fact accomplish something physically that others only dream of. I was the fit athlete that I had always dreamed of.

And be it vanity or not, it is painful to realize that I now would have difficulty walking a mile at a brisk pace, let alone running 13. It is hurtful to own up to the fact that the clothes sized in the single digits I wore before our wedding day almost 3 years ago will probably be out of style before I could ever fit into them again. Now instead of a self-assured athlete, I am a depressed, overweight almost 30-something that has spent the 9 months of her pregnancy and the 5 months following on the sidelines. In the struggle to balance all roles in life, I fail a little (and sometimes alot) at each - mother, wife, employee, daughter, sister, housekeeper, cook, volunteer. I have let my loss of job, birth of child, care for child, onset of new job, and stress of working parenthood stand in the way of care of my own self, as so many mothers do.

But how to reconcile the demands of my loved ones with my own needs? It is beyond losing weight. I need to be healthy, strong and confident again, for me, for my husband, and for my child. I need to be a parent who instills those values in her children. I need to eat healthy food, be active without obsessing about exercise, and live more simply. I KNOW that if I commit myself to these things, I can be a better mother and wife. I can erase the physical changes my little boy left, or at least embrace them as part of my fuller life with him.