The black cloud.

The weight of the last year of my life is simply suffocating. I've been trying to silently deal with it, focusing on the positive, wonderful thing that Ely is. I've drowned myself in him, knowing that if I can just hold his wiggly body, smell his sweet, boy-scented hair, and hear his raucous giggle, that everything will be ok. But at some point, I realized I can't retreat into my child. It's a desperate attempt to not have to deal with everything else. He's not a crutch, and I can't be a good mother if I solely rely on my child to make me happy.

And finally with this last devastating blow to my life (see final item in the list), I can't handle it anymore. So I will begin by listing every terrible, stressful, gut-wrenching thing that has happened to me in the past year in an attempt to come clean. This is me putting it out into cyberspace, since I don't know where else to put it.

1. Dealing with a former boss who discriminated, harassed, lied, and tried to throw me under the bus more times than I can count, before he finally was forced to resign.
2. In the aftermath of that same resignation, realizing he had left such a shambles of the budget that I lived in fear of losing my job for 4 whole months.
3. Meantime, dealing with the end of my pregnancy through all this stress, hoping to god my blood pressure wouldn't soar through the roof and I'd go into premature labor.
4. After worrying about it for 4 months, I finally lost my job on February 4. Unemployed, and nine months pregnant.
5. Losing my job when I was easily the most qualified, most educated, most professionally trained person at the organization, who could have done ANY job at the organization - and that STILL wasn't good enough to keep my job.
6. Losing my job just because I was a woman, and pregnant.
7. I went into labor the next day, February 5, and gave birth February 6. Two weeks early, and with additional hospital bills because of it. Midwife says if I hadn't been under so much stress, I never would have gone into labor so early.
8. New parenthood. Enough said.
9. Realizing that I couldn't enjoy, and barely remember, the first 4 months of my son's life because I was frantically searching for jobs, filling out unemployment forms, worrying about benefits, and stressing about money.
10. Finally finding a job, and after 4 months of stay-at-home mommy bliss and getting just a taste of what it would be like to raise my son myself, having to relinquish my beautiful boy to full time daycare. But at least it WAS with family, someone I thought I could trust to take good care of my child.
11. Returning to a job that has me working at least 50 hours a week, stealing what precious time I have with my family.
12. Taking a 25% paycut to be at a job where I work ten times harder and longer.
13. Gaining 40 pounds during pregnancy that won't come off, because when you already have to get up at 5 to get ready for work and don't get home until after 6 or 7 most nights, who has time to exercise?
14. Having extreme self-esteem and self-confidence issues that go along with being fired, not being able to contribute to the household, being hired at a lower level, and gaining weight.
14. Having a husband and a mother - your two best friends on the face of the earth - say that I'm "just not Emily anymore". How could I be?
15. And the final absolute kick in the teeth - having your FAMILY, your very own FAMILY, tell you that they "just don't want to take care of Ely anymore". My precious, sweet child, a burden. Which only breaks my heart further to think that I would give ANYTHING to stay at home with him myself, but now I have to try to find a place to leave him with complete strangers while I go to a job that isn't worth leaving him for.

I don't know if my attempt to use this blog as therapy will work. It will probably just alienate those I love even further, but I can't stand to have all this pain, loss, rejection, and suffering on my shoulders anymore.