The further my belly stretches, the more people ask me if I'm scared. Or nervous. Or excited. The daily first and second trimester questions of "How are you feeling?" have been replaced with generous helpings of "Not long now!" and "I bet you're ready to have that baby!" and "You must be getting excited!"
And I'm none of those things, not nervous, not scared, and not excited, at least not for the reasons others would think I might be. Most couples have children because they want to "complete" their family. Family just isn't family without children. Others have children because something is "missing" or "lonely" about just being a couple or they think having a child will somehow bring them closer together. And still others have children because of the innate need to pass on their legacy or care for another human being.
My problem is that I can't subscribe to any of those reasons. Since they day we got married, I have always felt my family is complete. I never felt anything was missing (except at first, pets, but now our animals outnumber us). I didn't feel like we needed anything or anyone else to make us whole - I have complete fulfillment out of our relationship, our lifestyle, and our household, and the dreams we have for our future.
And it's my Aunt Marty's fault. I think growing up and idolizing her left the indelible mark that one does not need to have children to live a complete life. In fact, she didn't even need to get married. When she died in her mid-40s, she had already accomplished more, loved deeper, cared for more people, and left a greater legacy than most people twice her age could claim. She found "family" everywhere she went, whether it was here in Illinois, in Israel, in Saudi Arabia, in the roommates she had, the patients she treated, and the friends she made. I never got the chance to ask her, but I don't believe she ever thought anything was "missing."
Although I lead a very different life than hers, I think I've always secretly made it my goal to be like her and never let anything stand in my way. Including a child. I have watched so many people become complacent shells of themselves after having children, as if parenthood somehow paralyzes you for 18 (or more) years and by the time you snap out of the kid-coma, you've forgotten who you are, who you're married to, and what you were doing before. If I could claim to be scared of anything, it would be little Ely's power to keep us from accomplishing our goals in life.
Selfish? Yes. And Greg feels the same way. But I can only hope that quality will help make us good parents. In fact, I think Greg put it best when he said "Now we HAVE to make our dream happen - for him." That is why I've been hoping that Ely will be born a little early, on February 5, my Aunt Marty's birthday. It would be a constant reminder for me to keep perspective, keep focused, and pass on the importance of living life without fear of obstacles and just enough wreckless abandon to achieve wonderful things.
2 comments:
It is GOOD for kids to see thier parents chasing thier dreams. it lets them know things are possible.
and kids are suprisingly versatile when it comes to change. :)
There is nothing more fun, more exciting, more rewarding than chasing a dream with a child. Teaching them about what's important to you and what you are passionate about is really so amazing.
You guys seem so confidant about who you are and passionate about what you believe in that I don't think you could help but pass that on to Ely.
I think what happens is if parents are a little less confidant or a little less passionate they just can't handle parenting combined with life. They either lose themselves, or they lose their children.
I really think the secret is including the little ones in your dreams and goals. It is so fun, and so amazing. Every day I am amazed by what the littlest children pick up on from the passions and dreams of their parents, if their parents let them in on it.
Have fun, Emily. It really is so amazing and beautiful to have a little life in your hands.
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