A credo to work by.

I think I've written here before on how I never wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted a career, and most often a selfish one that takes me away from my home. Almost five weeks into motherhood, I can honestly say that Ely is changing my mind.

I've always had a job - since I was 15 years old. Even when I was in college, I didn't go a semester or a summer without working. I've often defined myself by my job or let my job define me, which in the most recent case, I've learned only leads to bitter disappointment, depression, and loss of identity. I've actually had longtime friends and relatives tell me that I'm a different person now that I'm not working anymore, a happier, light-hearted, non-stressed person. I've had new friends tell me that they feel like they are finally seeing the "real" me. All of these comments sting a little. Obviously, I let my job ruin me, or at least bruise my sense of self, and what's more, it was wholly apparent to others. On the flip side, I've had professional acquaintances tell me that they never realized I hated every minute of that job. Why was I faking happy at work, just to come home and be miserable? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Somehow I think there's too many people who live the same double life I lived. Trust me, I've learned a big lesson from the experience: you cannot care about a job or a boss that doesn't care about you, and no job is worth losing yourself over.

I'm glad I don't have to go back to work anytime soon (though becoming increasingly worried about money issues), because I don't know how I could do it. How could anyone else watch my son and take care of him like I do? How could I think of missing things like the first time he smiles (for real), the first time he rolls over, the first time he sits up, which could all likely happen if I'm away from him 8 hours or more a day? How could I dream of only getting to see him for a brief bathtime, bedtime, and breakfast? How could I give up something I love to go work at something I hate? How do you working mothers do it?

This I now know: when I go back to work (unfortunately it's not a question of "if"), I will not be returning to a job that makes me a bad wife and mother. I will not work for the sake of working and will use this opportunity to do something I WANT to do. I will not bring the poison of unhappiness into my home to infect my family. I will ask myself before accepting any position, "is this worth leaving my beautiful boy in the care of others for the majority of our waking hours?" (most likely the answer will be "no" since nothing is worth that, but at least it will get me to think about the opportunity cost). I will not let a job change me or put me in a perpetual state of unrest. My promise as a mother: I will prioritize, and Ely, you are first.